The coupling culture

OK, so I’ve decided to do something that some may consider very brave, and touch on a topic that some may consider impossible and maybe even controversial considering my gender. I’m going to dive into deep waters here and attempt to question and shed some light on how I see our culture concerning “women and image”. I know. I can hear the feminists now wanting my blood. I should say first off that I’ve never had a girlfriend.

You didn’t expect that did you?

I know, but you can get over it, I believe in you. (rim shot)

I know I’m setting myself up for a good kick in the pants by writing this and inviting the bullies to cross the street and harass me in my own backyard. I’m aware of this. I don’t claim to be an expert on the topic, and have no desire to do so. I can tell you this though; I have had many wonderful women in my life and I don’t know where I would be without them. Serious. How about not born for starters? I have been fortunate enough to be influenced by a wonderful mother, a step mother and a wonderful grandmother who I consider a pillar in my life.

As I look across the landscape of our society today I find my self more and more confused. With sarcasm aside; There is no denying that we live in a coupling culture. Every day we are bombarded with ads for E-harmony or Match.com telling us “the one” is out there waiting for us. And that when we find this one, we will be safe, happy, fulfilled, loved; we will find our mr/mrs right and live happily ever after. Then there are the constant ads with the subliminal message that you had better get married and FAST…I once saw a lotion commercial that had a familiar tune playing in the background that I couldn’t quite place…about five minutes later after the commercial had ended I realized that song I’d heard was “Here Comes the Bride” jazzed up and altered so that it was hardly recognizable. Thanks to these ads, I now know that extra-firming, moisturizing, age-defying lotion will help women find their soul mates; the women of my dreams who I will walk down the isle with. I think the lie goes something like this;

you are incomplete and cannot be beautiful without beauty products, you need these beauty products to find a man, you must be so beautiful and your skin must be so soft that this man will want to keep you permanently, and finally you need a man to want you permanently to be happy.

Then there’s facebook, I can’t refresh the page without seeing a stream of (I like to call it creative prostitution) slutty photography ads and wedding diet ads. Yesterday I was in a grocery store when I stumbled upon the magazine section. What I came to find was an endless library of magazines full of ridiculous subject matter. Like ; how to please your man, or hot steamy tips to make your man wild (I don’t think they are for women to be honest, I know because Ive NEVER seen a women stand there for a whole hour reading these magazines ). As I looked deeper into this I found a common theme with ALL the magazines. The word SEX is HUGE on every magazine with no exception.

Maybe it’s more accurate to say that our culture is a couple-consumer crazed with our his and her pillows and robes. His and her furniture for his and her apartments. It’s hard not to feel cynical about marriage when you begin to see it as purely a marketing tool; Just a carrot to wave in front of young women’s faces. If you buy this, then you can get married and THEN you will be happy.

Example: Recently on a radio station, the djs asked women across the city if they would rather be smart or skinny. An overwhelming number called in to say that they’d rather be skinny..because how else would they land a man?

But as much as I am disgusted by the outcome of this radio survey, I understand where this anxious “must couple right now” energy comes from. Even as a male I’ve struggled a lot with being single because I live in this culture. I know what it feels like to have relatives question you about your lack of significant other..like you’ve got a gaping open wound they’re picking at..trying to figure out the source of your disease…is he too blunt, do women find him unattractive, is he too shy, is he too assertive?

Likewise I’ve seen women feel miserable for being alone after breakups, as if suddenly they alone are worthless without the external validation of a partner.

But what kind of power are women giving over when they forget to value themselves; without a joint identity; thier undiluted selves?

I am frustrated that there is so much pressure to couple because I like being on my own. I like knowing who I am without accomodating another’s needs at every moment. I would like to feel that wanting to learn about myself and my own passions and needs in this critical time of my life was a legitimate option. It’s only been recently that I’ve reexamined these conclusions.

I want a life of inspiration, and safety. I want to know who I am and to value myself. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to live in a world where every man/woman has free choice to be in a relationship or not? Where both options are just as good, and equally valued. A world where women love themselves without condition and stop looking to men to validate their worth. A world where appearances are not synonymous with worth. A world “where happily ever after” is transformed from “find a monogamous, heterosexual relationship” to more versatile; to fit the many paths women can take to find happiness in their lives.

This is the short list of my many desires. But right now my task is to focus on myself, scraping off the crap and getting down to the truth of what I need and desire at my core, which I believe is wildly different from what this culture tells me.

~ by johnlinnell on August 18, 2008.