Poo

I don’t like pets, in general. I used to like dogs, though. I liked them, that is, until I found out that dogs have these little glands on their rear ends that expel putrid fumes and weird slime. Did you know this? No, seriously. Maybe this is common knowledge but it’s news to me. Yesterday I was at a friend’s house and there was this fume encircling my head that sort of reminded me of a mixture between rotted raccoon carcass and llama dropping soup. I started to gag, when my friend mentioned that her dog’s “glands” needed to be emptied. This was accomplished, I soon found out, buy taking a paper towel and squeezing this brown stink syrup from two little openings on the dog’s rear. OH MAN. OOOOOH. I seriously thought I was going to lose it. THAT IS JUST WRONG. And more than once I have caught said dog eating poo, yes POO–it’s own fecal matter. I know man’s best friend and blahblah and that business, but come on, have you ever met one single sane human who treats their dog like a member of the family? I am not talking about normal love for your pet like bone tosses and short walks (which are fine). I am talking about portaits of the canine in question on the mantel, as well as conversations with it about its attitude on furniture purchases and cheese. I have now concluded that I most likely will never own a dog. It is a sad day.

~ by johnlinnell on July 12, 2008.