The inevitability of pain

Pain. Pain is an absolute, an unavoidable enemy which looms over us every day. Its  inevitable to experience it and , when we do our first reaction is to numb it or cheat it. It’s been on this ancient planet for millions of years. We humans know what suffering is all too well. Our lonely planet slides across the universe quietly without a sound at first glance , but if you listen closer you can hear the entropic screams of  injustice, suffering, and violence. Death is always around the corner yet we are taken by surprise by it. It stalks us in our sleep, waiting for our protections to melt, and when they do its there with its velvet paws. We distract our selves with trivial objects and sometimes even concoct potions and shoot it in our blood stream to detach from it.

But I have a question; Is pain really the enemy? And isn’t pain a process in which one is made stronger?  And if it is, than why do we love to avoid the process?

While I’m mostly eluding to emotional pain, I think this truth is directly related to physical pain as well. Pain works as an alarm system to the body, pointing the victim to the reality of danger. While pain is important it would be quite absurd to hold pain to a higher importance in the presence of a broken ankle or symptoms of a heart attack. Having said that, we should conclude that pain is indispensable because it is the vehicle in which a damaged part of the body is discovered.

Ask a weightlifter how he got so strong, he will tell you, ”I suffered.”  Ask a runner how he got so fast, he will tell you ”I suffered.”

We cannot run from pain. Any great civilization that runs from suffering has begun it’s demise. Look as far back as you want: Babylon, Greece, Rome, or the British Empire, you’ll find that the reason for every great civilizations demise is rooted in it’s attempt to cheat pain. If we’re not careful we will follow quickly down in our self-absorbed disregard towards suffering. We ignore the suffering on the street when we’re in line for an over priced coffee. We ignore the suffering overseas for a cheap pair of sneakers. We try to cheat suffering with technology, with medicine, with economic bandages. But greatness does not come from ignorance of pain. Greatness comes from wrestling with pain, wresting with the injustices of the world. You cannot cheat death. Suffering will find you. Pain will find you. Death will find you. Do not run from suffering, how else could character form? Yes, suffering forms character, suffering forms patience, suffering forms perseverance, joy, grace- all these beautiful parts of a human soul that cannot come into being any other way in this life.

No, no- you see, suffering is not the enemy.  Sure it hurts. It hurts a lot sometimes. But so does giving birth. So does playing football. So does growing up. In this life, my friend, do not run from suffering. You’ll be running from yourself.

The Digital Tower of Babble

Thats right: Not Bable

Babbel

Ever get the feeling things are spinning out of control? I cant keep up with it all everything is way too current, and why should I fork over all my privacy for the sake of “being on the up and up”… I hear this sort of jargon all the time: “Hey I face booked you and you never twittered me back.”

I’m sorry….. it’s too much (typically useless) information from too many sources – with not enough time to process it all.
I’m considering just…

shutting it all down. I know this isn’t new territory….

We’re learning bad habits and we don’t allow enough time to recover from them.
Patience; Were already dangerously close to nonexistent. Patience is now being tested to the limits because instead of an actual phone call (or heaven-forbid, a letter sent in the mail) we now just click and expect immediate results. If you’ve ever felt relieved that you’d spent “quality time” with someone because you sent them a text message, it may be too late.

Attention span: What did you just ask me?

Yeah, forget it..

Everything demands attention rightthisminuterightnow. I mean there are actually people out there who need an a mediate answer to any and every question/message they put out there – and who get genuinely worried/upset/pissed off/insulted/etc. But no need to worry, some new shinny toy might pop up and distract them just long enough to get them off your back, and yes the cycle begins again.

Sincerity; Have you ever heard of the saying; “give him enough rope and he will hang himself ?” Well this rope is digital and endless. How much can you actually mean something when you’re sending something out to no one in particular? And if you call that someone irrelevent or out of touch for not having facebook/twitter/myspace, you have hung your self.

“Hey what did you think about this or that?”

“You idiot, I wrote about it in my blog.. You didn’t get my status update? I tagged you and everything!!”

What ever happened to actual verbal communication? Every thing is so current, but only when you’re not actually talking to me… Hey I get it.. I’m guilty of it too. While the above are all intertwined I believe insincerity is the central cord in the noose. This is passive aggressive made easy, because you don’t need to mock me to my face. If your status updates are sent to everyone then I wont have the luxury of my feelings being validated.. after all it was sent to everyone or no one.

What are we actually building? I cant help but think of a certain tower… But this tower isn’t built of bricks or mortar… We have so much technology we can talk to anyone from everywhere…

Hey American juggernaut media…. It was so nice when all my tv stations were clogged from all the Michael Jackson hype when millions of people were and are dying EVERYWHERE!! I could have just driven down to the staple center in less time..

Anyways…

There’s good and bad to all of these advances – that’s the pinch. I actually take advantage of many of the technological progressions of our era but… I spend a lot of time with people who wouldn’t be able to live without them. That’s… amazing.

Top 5 Most Awesome & Simultaneously Most Horrible Recent Inventions:

5. HDTV
It’s at 5 because I hate it the least – in fact it’s only on the list because I love it too much – and would shut it down last.
Shark Week in HD? Worth every second invested.
Giants game in HD? Worth every second invested as long as we win.
But… I Survived in HD? Can they not get one single person with good skin on this show??? If you’re gonna spend an hour listening to someone tell a horrific story about the human monster they survived, the least the director could do is secure a nice cleansing scrub. Maybe more air-conditioning in the studio. (Look: The stories are riveting, just… stop dragging it out. I know the world is terrifying – I don’t need to see the Frankenstein-stitch scars from the stab wounds in dude’s neck while he’s telling me what I already know… in HD.)
Unfortunately HD will spoil your eyeballs rotten – I see any sporting event on a regular TV and I’m instantly frustrated. But pretty much anything else – except Jon & Kate-like banalities – comes on the TV in HD and I’m hooked.
Next thing you know… it’s tomorrow. And there are crumbs everywhere.
I say it’s awesome because it’s awesome, and horrible because it’s awesome.

4. MySpace
“Why only #4, John?”
I’ll tell you why: Because it’s no longer a problem, really. I already did that addiction, that panic, that “hustle” – and I’m over it. Just like pretty much everyone I know. Millions upon millions of pages of bad HTML (Tell me I can “learn” HTML in 15 minutes by going to some website and you’ll just have to forgive me for not believing you.) and poorly uploaded videos means that opening most any MySpace page eventually became too much work. Now a days, it’s just a digital festival of unsigned bands – something I’d avoid in real life. Online… so much easier to just… not.
Horrible because it was once awesome.

3. Facebook
Coming in at 3rd place, just ahead of it’s former rival, Facebook has now surpassed MySpace in so many ways for me that I can’t even measure them. It’s quick, it’s simple and it actually does perform the function of keeping you in contact with people you’d actually like to stay in contact with. Also nice: No more “We have similar tastes in music, thought you might like this, too!”
Problem with FB – why it’s both horrible and awesome at the same time? – it’s too much a part of the day’s zeitgeist. (yeah, I know) People actually get mad at you for not using it… so you do and then… you kind of can’t help it. You’re in it. You’re wet. Get a laptop and FB page and an HD Deadliest Catch marathon we’re back to “How is it tomorrow?” and all the crumbs.
Plus… Mafia Wars. Texas Hold ‘Em. Hello.

2. Twitter
This was a tough one – mostly because I’m trying to determine if it’s 1 to 5 in awesomeness ore 1 to 5 in shittiness… or some kind of combo. Hang it. It is what it is.
Twitter is… so dumb. I use it, so I know. It’s idiotic on almost every level. Never before has so much information that no one wants been so available. “I just went to the bathroom.” I use the network because it’s easier to update the Facebook status from my phone…

Look, you can say something to a lot of people quickly – you can
But yes, the absurdity of updating the Universe on every trite event of one’s life is not lost on me. I get it. But here’s where it gets weird: That’s not the dumbest aspect of Twitter – at all. And no, it’s not the lingo. Tweets vs. Twitter and all of that – c’mon, it’s not that hard. You want to know what it is? You want to know what it utterly unacceptable about this service?
Tweeting about Twitter.
Imagine this: Imagine my entire blahg were about… blahgging. Imagine an album of songs about singing. A work of fiction about… works of fiction.
Not exactly compelling.
Just can’t stop Tweeting about Tweeting and it really tweets me off! Unfortunately, to get the updates on the Base Ball I gots to wade through the dumb dumb stuffs.

And all those issues I mentioned earlier? Impatience, lack of attention and lack of sincerity? Yeah, this is kind of… where all those meet to become one in a big mashup of gross.

And now, for the grand finale, the apogee (or whatever…):
NUMBER 1.
Well, I gotta tell you: this kind of settles it. This list is a 1 to 5 of awfulness, 1 being the worst because this little invention is where all this crap started:

1. The Cellphone
AKA The Leash.
AKA The Excuse.
(As in, “What’s you’re excuse for talking during this movie I paid $12 to get into? Oh, you’re on your phone.”)
Once upon a time I resisted. I resisted as long as I could but it was futile. Now… I am a slave. I wear a leash that stretches… across the world.
The cellphone is great for more reasons than I have the patience to list here and horrible for twice as many – but mainly it’s horrible because there is no debate, there is no “Nah, I don’t get those things” or whatever acceptable reason still remains for people to not Facebook or subscribe to HD service or whatever.
Cell Phones are not optional.
I’m not even kidding: I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have one. Maybe FiFi’s grandma. Maybe.
These little curses have taken over the world and are to blame for pretty much every other thing there is that leads us to impatiently hurry, not pay enough attention, and communicate in shallow and insincere bursts. Be it hand to ear in traffic or stopping a conversation with the person in front of you mid-sentence while you answer your BlueTooth – we can’t get off the phone.

And let us not forget the “other” aspect of the mobile phone that makes it that much more of a nightmare: Texting.
Curses!!!.
The text message is responsible for a constant stream of interruption, willful or completely out of one’s control. Combine the fact that without any universal way to communicate all the tones in the human voice, by default the text message almost always leads… to more text messages. The abbreviations, the jargon, the sheer number of them… the surge in text messaging over the last few years has made even the most shallow emails seem like long forgotten windows to the soul.

And it all wraps up in that damn phone. Don’t deny it. It’s probably sitting right next to you right now, isn’t it? Did you just stare at it? What, ‘fraid it might know you’re talking beside it’s back?

I’ll be honest with you… I started this entire blog because I wanted to bitch about cellphones.

Now that I’ve done it, I’m surprisingly unsatisfied. Maybe because I know that it just doesn’t matter.
No one cares.
People love this crap.
We love the distractions… and I fear our dependence on them is at this point irreversible.
You think the terrorists are still aiming at our… planes?
Haha. LOLZ. LMAO.
All they have to do to send this country back to the Dark Ages is turn off the juice. Wanna keep yourself safe from Al Qaeda?: Go camping.

What would we do without all of these basic necessities bells and whistles?
Not sure.
Turn off the phone for a day and tell me what you think.

You..

I’ve been contemplating the plight of human existence and have come up with a few thoughts. I was thinking of purpose and the essence of human expression and how it effects ones existence. I’ve heard and had a few conversations on how people need to exercise their gifts to feel as if they are truly alive. I was visiting my step father and he was showing me all of his hot rods that he restores. He made a comment that really stuck with me; “I love doing this, I cant not do this.” I was also talking to a Karyn and she was telling me about how she needs to paint and be creative to feel alive and I was reminded that God has put gifts in all of us and how we need to be acting on them to accomplish his work on the Earth. Its almost as if we feel conviction when we aren’t fulfilling our purpose. Recently I was feeling kind of lazy and a little depressed for no good reason when I realized I haven’t written, played the guitar, just kind of existing. So I started writing and after I wrote I felt great.

I’m wondering if some depression is the result of the lack of expression? (I know.. duhh?) Not sure, just a thought. I was praying a while ago and was asking God why I wasn’t inspired and why I had consecutive days of writers block. I felt he wanted me to read, listen to music, and just soak up inspiration for my self. My mindset of the creative medium was wrong. I was doing it for performance reasons and not for spiritual release and for Him.

I think fear is a big part of not being creative as well. We live in a performance oriented society. You see it on American Idol and other shows where people are critiqued and rejected. None of us want to be criticized or judged so we keep our ideas to ourselves. But only the ones who standout are the ones who change history. Whether you’re your own judge or if its in front of Simon. The point is to be your self and not to care about what people think, because your expression isn’t for them. We have too many people pleaser’s. If you feed off of approval it will kill your creativity. Do it for you!!

So if you’re feeling depressed or just not fulfilled maybe you should do some self discovery.. Go on a walk.. listen to music.. Sing, paint, do something cliche or original. the point is; You have to try!!.. God Loves you!!

P.S you don’t have to be a pastor or a teacher to be valuable in the kingdom.. Be a plummer, or make sound effects. God created you!! Be you!!

P.S.S Solution for writers block: Temporary suckage:)

Are you serious?

So lately Ive been very busy and not really connected to the out side world. I’m spending all my time with my fiance, which is wonderful just so you’re not mistaken. I haven’t been doing a lot of anything else though. Lots of waking up at like 6pm because I work grave yard shifts. Which makes me more nocturnal than I really want to be. My new job requires me to do and see things that need not be mentioned in most social circles. How should I say it?.. Hmmm.. Im usually “whiped” out after work. I will leave you to ponder that statement. I thought I would throw in a hint so you didn’t think I was a hit man or a vampire. I’m secretive and don’t work in the daylight.

I need to do more creative things. I need to create and feel as if I’m doing something for the world. I have a guitar, but don’t play it, three actually. I’m supposed to be writing a book but have no inspiration to write it now. Its not like I have no inspiration at all, I just think my writing is so random that its hard for me to write consistently about one thing. I havent been reading that much either. Ive been a work slave for the most part. My work schedule has left me in a comatose state.

Im watching continuos coverage of the on going Michael Jackson saga which is literally making me physically sick.

Granted many people do benefit greatly from meds, Just something crazy about the overall distribution. This means you, emo bands.

I caught Larry King’s interview with Jermain (Michaels brother) and was bedazzled by all the magical crap he kept mentioning. It seemed like every time Larry tried to connect with reality, or ask questions that pertained to Micheal’s death, Jermain would shoot back with some sort of Neverland nonsense… Check out 2:41 GAWD!!! Really?

Im not knocking all of the interview, but give me a break Jermain..

The reason I mentioned this is because I am confused. Im confused about how our society works and thinks. We literally worship people who have an image minus charactor. But no lets not admit those things, lets stay comfortably ignorant. Anyways ..if you havent noticed the world as of late is a messed up place and the stench of the 21st century is in my nostrils. I have not been so disturbed, frustrated, angry in a long time… I could not get to sleep. Just thinking about the genoside in Darfur and how we have ignored the fact that thousands of people are dying. Im very confused about the state of humanity. I wake up in the morning and have clean water, my guitar, food in my fridge and a super market down the street. We are too far away to hear the screams of the suffering, and the dying and Im not sure if we want to to be honest.

Hey great America!!! This isnt the age of “change”.. This is the age of indifference.

It reminds me of being at my friends house when I was in grade school listening to him being abused in the other room. Despite the madness I heard muffeld in the other room nothing was ever mentioned, and I never asked. Much like whats happening in our world. There are unspeakable things happening and a deaf ear is being turned to it. We would much rather cry about our celebrities and consider it this huge tragedy, when on the other side of the planet hundreds of thousands of women and children are being raped, murdered, and forced into stravation. Not to mention the sex trade that is happening where children are being forced to have sex with grown men. And this is all taking place right under our noses, in the hidden places of the planet. This is happening in the twenty first century. We have the resources to end this if we deside to let ourselves look at whats really happening.

America is a becon of hope only if it is pointed in the right direction. The media needs you to tell them that millions of refugees in Darfur is more important to you than whether Paris Hilton does this or that. Darfur was bombed again yesterday, why is that not making headlines?

We cannot be silent on the issue… a discourse is needed. It’s a painful conversation, it’s painful to see it on the news… I think the pain is what makes us turn to celebrity gossip or our own preoccupation. But we cannot run from pain. Every great civilization that runs from suffering has begun it’s demise. Look as far back as you want: Babylon, Greece, Rome, or the British Empire, you’ll find that the reason for every great civilizations demise is rooted in it’s attempt to cheat pain. If we’re not careful we will follow quickly down in our self-absorbed disregard towards suffering. We ignore the suffering on the street when we’re in line for an over priced coffee. We ignore the suffering overseas for a cheap pair of sneakers. We try to cheat suffering with technology, with medicine, with economic bandages. But greatness does not come from ignorance of pain. Greatness comes from wrestling with pain, wresting with the injustices of the world. You cannot cheat death. Suffering will find you. Pain will find you. Death will find you. Do not run from suffering, how else could character form?

He was Bad.

I know I was shocked just as much as anyone when Michael Jackson died. It’s that cliche situation where you knew exactly where you were and what you where doing when you heard the news about his passing. It’s an indent in history when your whole world stops for just a moment and you are glued to the TV for literally hours. There are only a handful of people who are so culturally influential that everything changes when they are gone. I can’t think of many people who can pull off being so famous and infamous in one lifetime. We literally watched Michael grow up, get acne, hear his voice change, and see the progression of his surgically altered face. It seemed like it didn’t matter how creepy or weird Michael got, to us he was always that cute kid on the screen. Even though his songs dealt with adult subject matter he had us convinced he knew what he was singing about. It never seemed to matter what he got himself into or how deteriorated his face got, our hearts were stolen the minute he walked into our lives. We will surely miss Michael and what he brought to our world.

When I was a kid I would dance on the coffee table desperately trying to keep up with Michael. I would stare at his feet and try to do what he did. I also remember doing the moonwalk across our kitchen linoleum in my socks. Michael not only dominated, he literally changed everything when it came to music. Every single artist who has ever made a music video needs to thank Michael for paving the way. Back in the early 80’s no one was dancing like Michael. Today you see every Hip Hop and R&B artist incorporating urban-style choreographed gang dancing in their live shows. In almost west side story style. No one was doing that before Michael.

I don’t know if Michael was into Broadway or not, but I see a lot of Broadway influences in these videos. Not only was he a great dancer, but he scared the hell out of me when he turned into a zombie. Horrifically prophetic.

I think what helped Thriller be the greatest album of all time was how well it was marketed. The first single, “The Girl Is Mine” (guest appearance by Paul McCartney) was released a few months before the album, and the album was appropriately released a few days before Halloween. Not to mention every single was released with a short film which was on regular circulation on MTV. Huge exposure. Pure Genius.. Its my opinion the album alone wouldn’t have been as big with out these aspects. The album was more than big. It is the most influential and the best marketed and produced piece of material that we have ever seen. Oh, and winning eight Grammys in one night probably didn’t hurt either.

We will miss you Michael.. thanks for the music..

So…

So I’m actually writing a book of my own. I still read other peoples stuff but now I get to say “hey I’m writing a book” to strangers. This is bound to help me boost some confidence levels for me a bit. It will also give me a chance to write about something serious for a change, not the typical; “Hey your dumb if you like American idol.” spiel, which maybe by now might seem typical for me. Now I get to build something up rather than playing the bully.

Oh yeah and I still hate American Idol, but I love my fiance.

Ho ooh ooh… shes getting a wedding dress today, so that makes me like the happiest man ever.

chow…

The Ettiquitte; driving

So, I need to warn you right out the gate;
This blog is full of pure frustration and probably wont help you, and might even waste your time.
There. So if you’re still reading you cant complain. K?

I don’t get scared very easy. I don’t watch horror flicks or get my kicks out of urinating on my self involuntarily. They aren’t scary just plain dumb says I. I always know when leather face is going to jump out and stab unsuspecting defenseless unrealistically beautiful actress. Hey, ware more clothes especially when said villain might be lurking around any corner. You know he will jump out when it gets all Eire and quiet (what am I talking about over here?)Though I do like it when Karyn grabs me during the scary parts. Anyways.. for the most part I’m solid and if my fiance needs me to kill a spider I will kill without an ounce of fear.

Today I was driving around town, which can be, for lack of a better word TERRIFYING!! And I was rudely reminded of my responsibility to at least this corner of the universe. “And what responsibility is that,” you ask?

Well, obviously my responsibility to spread the word on how to behave. Pretty simple, really.

There is always (we will refer to him as “that guy”) that guy who in sists on not using any signals while swerving in and out of traffic with guns and roses playing. But its ten times more terrifying when you make eye contact with him and discover he is on his cell phone. I can honestly say Ive never been “that guy.” What I mean is; I’m not stupid or a jerk when I drive. It is my opinion that a persons personality is magnetized ten fold when one gets into vehicle. What I mean by that is if you are “that guy” everyone will notice because everyone’s time and safety hang in the balance.

Redding is a very strange place to drive in. Not only is there old people everywhere, but there is construction literally EVERYWHERE.. I don’t know whats going on. But I know; “If you’re not part of the solution you’re part of the problem.” <—- Die Hard

See I told you, waste of time.

The christain medium

I’ve been feeling some pressure.
“Not enough writing.”
“Not enough cutting edge journalism.”
“Not enough of your keen and razor-sharp wit these days, old man.”
No one has actually said these things to my face, but I can feel them circulating the universe. Plus: I keep getting bloody noses, so that means someone is definitely putting these thoughts up in the air, causing them to land in my subconscious like grenades of scorn.

Is it because there is nothing to write about? The answer is No: There is oodles to write about.. Speaking of which I’m engaged ..and if you didn’t know you’re not paying attention.. so there.

There’s been alot of ideas and questions sloshing around in my head and I haven’t had a chance to just write them down, and if I don’t do it now they will just vanish into oblivion.

I want to address some issues I have seen and heard on a daily basis for years. LITERALLY. While the issues is fresh on my mind I want to attack it here. The question is ________ artist a christian? (insert band name, painter, writer, etc) And can one be a christian but be on a secular music label? Let me ask you this; is there such thing as a christian taxi driver, mortician, plumber, carpenter? AND if so does the importance lye on the messenger/artist or the medium of what is expressed? My point is; if you’re a “christian” carpenter and the roof falls in on a family of four because you were to lazy to do the job the right way will it matter if you were a christian or not?

Throughout my upbringing Ive always been taught to do my work unto the Lord. I believe this literally applies to the actual product one puts their hands to. Also excellence reflects who you are and where your values lye. Can an atheist be a great carpenter? Yes. And will the work he lays his hands to reflect his atheistic views? That depends on the recipient. And if it does reflect his views then the medium in of itself is the vehicle of persuasion. Also the value system backing it is more apt to be embraced.

Bad art is bad art, and a bad roofing job is a bad roofing job. It doesn’t matter if you are a christian or not. And If christian art sucks (I’m not saying all of it does) than what does that say about us, or more importantly our creator? Bad art is obviously not an accurate reflection of our Lord. I believe God isn’t and never has been able to stay in a box. God can use what ever tool he wants. To say someone cant be used to glorify God just because he or she isn’t on a christian band Is stupid. Its a mission field. Just like where ever you happen to work. Are you still a christian if you work at Starbucks? (which happens to not be a christian company) Its my opinion this kind of ignorance might even be similar to the spark that started slavery. Ignorance gone unchecked and excepted in christian circles has caused the church to retreat from expression and influence,thus causing bands like the Beatles cries for “help” to fall on deaf ears. in my experience the greatest spiritual experience I’ve ever had while listening to music has not been inexplicably “christian.” I believe the purpose of art is to cause the recipient/listener/reader to wrestle with ideas of existence, pain, failure, loss, love, regret, faith etc.. causing the scale to turn inward.

If you look at the music of today you will find certain “christian” bands headlining “non christian” music festivals like; Warped tour, Ozzfest, and others I cant think of. This list includes and is not limited to; Under Oath, As I Lay Dying, Norma Jean, The Chariot, Mxpx, and others I cant think of.

Jesus said to shine our light, and what is a greater place then to the above festivals? And where are you going to find a better platform than to play in front of a demon filled mob?

Love happens…

I am embarking on a journey of a life time. You know the saying “its about the journey not the destination?” Well who ever said this little phrase was very astute. This season has been different than any season Ive ever experienced. I feel as if I am standing on the top of a mountain and I am breathing the best air that lye’s at the top, euphoric, peaceful while still knowing challenges are still a reality. But the challenges aren’t so scary because the same inspiration that got you to the top are the same inspirations you get to pack with you on the journey. There are always bumps in the road, but these are nothing compared to that which is ahead. The prize.

I got engaged. Karyn is so amazing in every way a woman could be. She was waiting for a man to capture and win her heart….. and that man is me. I’m so happy!!. Shes beautiful, intelligent, tender, understanding, excepting, passionate about me, and her love is always alive. Some times hiding or waiting for me to draw it out, and other times radiant and blooming on the surface. I never get to stop perusing her even after Ive captured her heart. I don’t want to stop either. Occasionally we get lost in translation, but we always come back to rediscovering each other even if I’m speaking in rhythm, and shes speaking in codes. Our hearts always come back to the foundations of our relationship…

and that is;… Love.

We love each other so much, and it goes to show you that when you truly love someone its never a chore, and when it happens it is something worth waiting for.

Love happens..

I love her heart.

I’m sooo happy and it will only get better:)

whats love got to do with it?

I always love it when people have nothing to hide. You cant always tell who someone is until you look at the roots of the heart. This world is so impersonal that it’s rare to actually see someone for who they are. There is so much commotion and noise going on that sometimes we cant hear hearts beating. Buildings looming over head, freeways make deafening ambiance. The presence of Corporate America is right outside our door. (Evidence: where is the closest starbucks in your town? There are like ten in Redding) We live in a very independent, entropic, and indifferent culture. It seems very Y2K, very winner of American idol. And maybe brushing against a persons coat while walking down a hall way can be the only time you see that person for weeks. Its sad, but its a rare occasion to stop and get to know someone, not just knowing what their favorite color is. Or, just knowing where they are from. I mean the real stuff, like dreams and deep desires of the heart. I was driving the other day, and I saw this amazing sunset spearing through the clouds. I had to stop and appreciate it, and make note that I was still alive. I think people are like that. I think its very important to stop and admire the beauty in someone.

Yesterday I was in a grocery store when I stumbled upon the magazine section. What I came to find was an endless library of magazines full of ridiculous subject matter. Like ; “how to please your man,” or “hot steamy tips to make your man wild” (I don’t think they are for women to be honest, I know because Ive NEVER seen a women stand there for a whole hour reading these magazines ). As I looked deeper into this I found a common theme with ALL the magazines. The word SEX is HUGE on every magazine with no exception.

I just wanna know whats going on. It seems like the Kingdom of the crystal dull. Every day I turn on the TV (usually at work) and I find myself confused at what is happening. Art isn’t art anymore, just a trend, clicheic language reverberating through my cranium such as; Bling, Club, pimp, crunk.. I can go on and on but I will spare you. No Really… what I want to talk you about has nothing to do with bad rap. I want to talk about LOVE, yes… Probably the most misunderstood word in your language. We are so desperate to find it that we will try to get it no matter the cost. You see it on billboards, TV adds, game shows, reality shows.. you name it. It seems like love is something we want to win rather than earn and cultivate, something to exploit rather than protect. True love seems to be a rare creature these days, and finding someone to love you back seems to be even more tricky. When someone finally finds Mr or Mrs “right” it can be really hard to accept their love because of years of rejection, or from being off the market for so long. Being single can be easy because of the level of independence that goes along with it, but to be validated by someone is something every human needs.

After years (literally) of searching Ive finally found the women I want to spend the rest of my life with.Karyn. She is amazing!!!! I can share anything with her and feel safe and vulnerable. Is nothing that I won or something I was handed. We made a choice to. It was hard because we didn’t even like each other at first, but I went after her. There were a lot of very awkward moments, and we could have quit all together, but we persisted and saw potential. In a way I’m glad I was single for such a long time because it gave me time to find out who I am. I feel this is important because identity and knowing who you are is a important to function in a relationship. You’re not only supporting yourself you’re also reassuring and supporting another persons identity and emotions. Love isn’t a feeling (it can be very emotional) or a thing you learn while watching a reality show or a soap opera. love is a choice. Sadly the world we live in paints an inaccurate picture of love. Love isn’t always emotional or a fairy tale its something you build on and something you need to work on for a life time.

Having said all that, I think I should say that we do have the fire works, I’m only saying the foundation of our love Isn’t necessarily all the ooy gooy stuff. It Isn’t hard for us to establish romance and chemistry when we are together. Actually we can get quite sickening. I never thought I would do this, but we have little pet names for each other. There’s the classics, such as: Babe, baby, honey etc. -Ahem- then there’s those inside joke names that piss everyone off who isn’t in the inner circle. It gets a lot more interesting…. well I’m not going to go there for your sake. Its really easy for me to love Karyn, its like breathing. Its easy to give to her and shes not a chore for me at all, its a natural thing for me to love and give to her. I love her and always will …

..and I plan on choosing to love her every day..